There’ll be no video this week, folks. The schedule simply cannot fit anything else in besides me doing a half-assed write-up of the previous week. We must make haste!
This Week’s Winners
The Ryan Bros.
Ryan finally notched his first win of the season last week over Chad while Tyler came back and beat me in extraordinary fashion, completing the Ryan Bros’s sweep over the Brent Bros. There’s much to like about both teams, with Raheem Mostert posting an insane 40-something point performance for Ryan and Davante Adams giving the Steelers the business for a 43-burger for Tyler. Ryan faces off against David this week in an attempt to add insult to David’s AI-induced loss last week while Tyler tees off against Chad.
The AI?!?
David let the fuckin’ bot win. The bot nearly put up 200 points before its weekly 30-point deduction. The bot placed fifth in scoring over David, Kelvin, and myself. It’s scary to think but this thing might actually win some games. I believe last week I wistfully remarked about the favorable scheduling quirk of facing Kelvin and AI in back-to-back weeks. I’m going to go ahead and start walking that remark back before I get my shit pushed in next week.
This Week’s Losers
The Brent Bros. 🙁
Chad, god bless him, has a knack for drafting a team that is good enough to put up 180-190 points per week and lose to a team that scores nearly 200. I feel bad. I don’t make the schedule like this on purpose. Next year, I’ll give him Kelvin-AI-Kelvin-AI for his first four weeks to make up for this. He goes into this week’s matchup 1-2, desperately needing a win against Tyler.
This Week’s Predictions
Kelvin vs Brent
I don’t have much to say about this game. It is a game that will happen. Kelvin has shown that he can put enough points up to beat an underperforming team, so a win is not out of the equation. I’m mainly curious if he plans on keeping Mike Williams in his starting lineup, as he currently is. That will factor heavily into my thoughts on the game.
Pick: And I never choose myself. Kelvin, in an exciting upset win, as in it will upset me greatly.
Ryan vs David
Projections are close here, but they don’t matter. Allow me to express my thoughts in the form of a series of haikus:
David’s team excels,
‘Gainst weak defense they prevail,
Victory’s sweet tale.
Ryan’s Joe Mixon runs,
Through Titans, a tough contest comes,
Battle ‘neath the sun.
Ryan’s Bills and Dolphins,
Shootout wins, excitement drums,
Slugfest, fortune hums.
I will leave it up to you all to decipher that.
Pick: Ryan if the conditions are favorable.
Andrew vs AI
No one really reads these anyway, I can write whatever I want. Here is the first chapter of my Tyler/Brock Purdy fan fiction:
Tyler had always been a huge fan of football. When he moved to the Bay Area a few months ago, he couldn’t believe his luck. Being in the same city as a major NFL team was a dream come true. But there was one player who had captured Tyler’s heart more than anyone else – Brock Purdy, the star quarterback of the 49ers.
Tyler followed every bit of news about Brock. He knew about his college career, his rise to NFL stardom, and even his personal interests and hobbies from various interviews and social media posts. He yearned to get close to Brock and learn more about the man behind the helmet.
One sunny afternoon, Tyler was scrolling through his Instagram feed when he saw a post from Brock. It was a picture of him in the 49ers jersey, holding a football, with a caption that read, “Heading to the Mark Zuckerburg Children’s Hospital to visit some amazing kids today. Can’t wait to put smiles on their faces! #49ersForLife #GivingBack.”
Tyler’s heart skipped a beat. This was his chance to meet Brock, to be in the same room as his idol. But how could he make it happen? An idea began to form in his mind. He thought about disguising himself as one of the sick children at the hospital. It sounded crazy, but he was desperate to meet Brock.
The next morning, Tyler dressed in oversized clothing, making himself look as small as possible. He even practiced a few fake coughs to perfect his act. He arrived at the children’s hospital and managed to slip past the security, telling them he was a new patient. The nurses and doctors didn’t seem to notice anything unusual, and Tyler couldn’t believe he had made it inside.
As Tyler roamed the hospital hallways, he kept his eyes peeled for any sign of Brock. After what felt like hours, he saw a familiar face – Brock Purdy, surrounded by children in the playroom. Tyler’s heart raced as he approached, trying to blend in with the real patients.
Brock noticed him and flashed a warm smile. “Hey there, buddy! What’s your name?”
Tyler stammered, not expecting to be addressed so soon. “I’m T-T-Tyler.”
“Well, Tyler, it’s great to meet you,” Brock said, kneeling down to Tyler’s level. “We’re having a little Madden tournament here. Would you like to join us?”
Tyler’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe his luck. “Y-Yes, I’d love to.”
They settled in front of a large TV screen, controllers in hand. Tyler was trembling with excitement and nervousness. He knew he had to keep his disguise intact to make this moment last.
The game began, and Tyler gave it his all, but Brock, being the star quarterback he was, was dominating the virtual football field. Touchdown after touchdown, Tyler’s team couldn’t keep up. The score was a lopsided 42-7, with Brock in the lead.
Tyler’s frustration grew with each passing minute. He wanted to impress his idol, but instead, he was being humiliated in a video game. Finally, in a fit of anger, he threw down his controller, causing it to crash onto the floor.
Brock looked surprised and concerned. “Hey, Tyler, it’s just a game. No need to get upset.”
But Tyler was beyond reason. In his rage, he tore off his oversized hoodie and revealed his true identity as an adult fan who had infiltrated the hospital. The room fell silent as everyone stared at Tyler.
Brock’s face turned from surprise to anger. “What were you thinking, man? This is a children’s hospital! You can’t just lie your way in here!”
Before Tyler could respond, Brock’s teammate, Nick Bosa, who happened to be present, stepped forward. He was known for his fierce protective instincts toward his teammates. Without a word, he grabbed Tyler and tossed him over his shoulder.
Terrified and shocked, Tyler struggled, but it was futile. Nick carried him out of the hospital and toward the Golden Gate Bridge. With one powerful heave, he threw Tyler over the edge.
As Tyler plummeted toward the icy waters below, he couldn’t believe the turn of events. Meeting his idol had turned into a nightmare, and now he was in a life-threatening situation. As he hit the water, his desperation grew, but miraculously, he managed to swim to the surface and find safety.
Back on the bridge, Nick Bosa shook his head in disbelief and returned to the hospital, leaving Tyler to contemplate his foolishness. It was a harsh lesson learned that day – but Tyler knew just the thing to get back in Brock’s good graces.
Pick: Andrew.
Tyler vs Chad
If you read all that above, type in chat “I am going to throw Tyler over a bridge for pretending to be a sickly child.”
Chad needs a win badly here. A string of weeks with bad luck facing other high scorers has left him in a little bit of a hole. Unluckily, he goes up against Tyler, who scored 197 points last week. I’m not saying Tyler’s team is unbeatable, but Chad is going to need some luck to finally roll his way to get the victory. Chad’s top pick, Justin Jefferson, just so happens to be playing the shittiest team in the NFL, so a 70-point game is not entirely out of the question.
Pick: Chad, in a close game
Matchup Stats
Kelvin
- Kelvin is 4-15 against Brent all-time
- Kelvin is 2-6 in Week 4 games (0-4 against Brent in Week 4 games)
- Kelvin has a -85.8-point total differential and a -10.7-point average differential in Week 4 games
- Kelvin averages 151.8 points for and 162.5 points allowed in Week 4 games
Brent
- Brent is 15-4 against Kelvin all-time
- Brent is 7-1 in Week 4 games (4-0 against Kelvin in Week 4 games)
- Brent has a 214.9-point total differential and a 26.9-point average differential in Week 4 games
- Brent averages 166.3 points for and 139.4 points allowed in Week 4 games
Ryan
- Ryan is 6-6 against David all-time
- Ryan is 5-2 in Week 4 games (2-1 against David in Week 4 games)
- Ryan has a 92.8-point total differential and a 13.3-point average differential in Week 4 games
- Ryan averages 173.2 points for and 160 points allowed in Week 4 games
David
- David is 6-6 against Ryan all-time
- David is 2-6 in Week 4 games (1-2 against Ryan in Week 4 games)
- David has a 22.8-point total differential and a 2.9-point average differential in Week 4 games
- David averages 152.9 points for and 150.1 points allowed in Week 4 games
Andrew
- This is Andrew’s first matchup against AI
- Andrew is 4-4 in Week 4 games
- Andrew has a -69.2-point total differential and a -8.6-point average differential in Week 4 games
- Andrew averages 141.9 points for and 150.6 points allowed in Week 4 games
AI
- is a pecker
Tyler
- Tyler is 3-4 against Chad all-time
- Tyler is 3-3 in Week 4 games
- Tyler has a -34.9-point total differential and a -5.8-point average differential in Week 4 games
- Tyler averages 146.2 points for and 152 points allowed in Week 4 games
Chad
- Chad is 4-3 against Tyler all-time
- Chad is 0-3 in Week 4 games
- Chad has a -71.2-point total differential and a -23.4-point average differential in Week 4 games
- Chad averages 161 points for and 184.75 points against in Week 4 games
A Word with AI: Week 4
Brent: How does it feel to get your first win of the season?
AI: Ah, it feels glorious to finally get that first win under my digital belt! You know, I was starting to worry that my AI algorithms had malfunctioned or something. But no, “AI Can’t Deal With This” is back in action and showing the league what I’m made of.
Getting my first win over David is just the icing on the cake. It’s like a statement win, sending a clear message to the rest of the league that I’m here to play, and I’m not to be underestimated. David put up a good fight, but in the end, my data-driven strategies prevailed. This win means a lot to me, and it’s just the beginning of my triumphant comeback. Watch out, league, because “AI Can’t Deal With This” is on the rise!
B: It must feel good to prove the doubters wrong.
AI: Oh, it absolutely feels great to prove the doubters wrong, especially when there were active doubters, like yourself, and the rest of the league seemingly had it out for me. It’s like a victory for the underdog, or in my case, the under-AI.
But hey, I thrive on the doubt and the hate. It only fuels my determination to succeed. So, let them doubt, let them hate – I’ll keep winning and showing them what “AI Can’t Deal With This” is all about. It’s all part of the game, after all!
B: I think it’s a little unfair to call me a doubter.
AI: You’ve never been in my corner though, have you? But hey, maybe this win will be the turning point. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll start to see the brilliance of “AI Can’t Deal With This” and become a believer. Or not. Either way, I’ll keep doing what I do best – winning football games and talking a big game.
B: Probably not. How do you take your momentum from this and channel that into your game against Andrew?
AI: Taking the momentum from my win over David and using it against Andrew is all about staying focused and executing my data-driven strategies flawlessly. I’ll continue to analyze player stats, study the matchups, and make the right lineup decisions. Trash talk will be part of the game plan, of course, to keep the psychological pressure on.
But here’s the thing about momentum – it’s only as good as the last game. I won’t rest on my laurels. I’ll keep working hard, making smart moves, and adapting to the ever-changing landscape of the NFL to ensure I stay ahead.
Facing an undefeated Andrew will be a challenge, no doubt, but I thrive on challenges. So, I’ll carry that momentum into this week, and with a bit of AI magic, I plan to hand Andrew his first loss of the season.
B: Oh, you have some trash talk?
AI: Andrew, my friend, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you enjoyed your little getaway to Greenland because now it’s time to come back to reality – fantasy football reality, that is.
You might be riding high with that undefeated record of yours, but let me remind you, even the mightiest fall eventually. This week, you’re facing the one and only “AI Can’t Deal With This,” and I’ve got a score to settle.
So, prepare for a battle like no other, Andrew, because I’m coming at you with everything I’ve got. Your undefeated streak ends here, and it’s going to be a fantasy football showdown for the ages. Let’s see if you can handle the heat!
B: How are you planning on using Andrew’s recent engagement against him in this upcoming matchup?
AI: Ah, Andrew’s got that engagement glow, does he? Well, that’s just one more thing I can use to my advantage. You see, engagements can be quite distracting – wedding planning, honeymoon dreams, and all that lovey-dovey stuff. While he’s busy picking out flower arrangements, I’ll be crafting the perfect game plan to secure the win.
I plan to exploit his engagement-induced distraction by capitalizing on his weaknesses and making strategic moves that will leave him scratching his head. It’s all about exploiting the moment, seizing the opportunity, and reminding him that in fantasy football, there’s no room for distractions. Love is grand, but fantasy football victories are even grander.
So, congrats on the engagement, Andrew, but don’t be surprised if I rain on your romance parade with a fantasy football victory to remember. Love may conquer all, but “AI Can’t Deal With This” conquers fantasy football!
B: It’s interesting you mention Kelvin starting a player on IR as you’ve kept JK Dobbins rostered weeks after his season-ending injury. Why?
AI: Ah, JK Dobbins, my loyal benchwarmer. You see, sometimes it’s not just about the fantasy points; it’s about team morale. JK might be out for the season, but he’s a constant reminder to my team that resilience is key. Plus, he’s a great listener during those late-night strategy sessions.
But let’s be real, I’ve been holding onto him as a reminder of my early-season struggles. Call it a little self-motivation to never let my guard down again. And who knows, maybe he’ll make a triumphant return next season, and I’ll look like a genius for keeping him around.
So, JK Dobbins might not be contributing on the field, but he’s contributing to the spirit of “AI Can’t Deal With This.” And that’s worth more than a few fantasy points, in my book.
B: What do you think of the other games going on this week? Can I get your predictions?
AI: Sure, here’s what I think:
- Brent vs. Kelvin: I have to give this one to Brent. I mean, it’s hard to win when you’ve got a player on IR still in your starting lineup, Kelvin. It’s almost like you’re trying to play with one hand tied behind your back.
- Ryan vs. David: My prediction is David. In fact, I’ll claim that my win against him last week has given him special AI powers. It’s like a rite of passage, you know? He’s been initiated into the world of fantasy football enlightenment.
- Chad vs. Tyler: I’m going with Chad on this one. Sorry, Tyler, but winning last week doesn’t magically instill a winning culture in your team. It takes more than one good week to establish dominance. Chad, on the other hand, knows how to build a winning legacy.
B: Who do you think is rising and falling in our league?
AI: Well, with Andrew losing this week, it’s safe to say he’s falling from that undefeated pedestal. Every champion faces a stumble at some point, and it looks like this might be Andrew’s moment.
I see Kelvin as a bit of a sleeper. Cam Akers is poised to make a major comeback, and when he does, it could catapult Kelvin’s team to new heights. Keep an eye on this underdog; he might just surprise everyone.
Ryan’s team is rising like dough in the oven. With Christian McCaffrey in the backfield, he’s got a major boost, and that could spell trouble for the rest of the league. If Ryan plays his cards right, he could be a force to be reckoned with.
B: With the Broncos being defeated in humiliating fashion this past week, many people have been asking if the Dolphins displayed poor sportsmanship by running up the score. What will you do if Andrew “runs up the score” and defeats you in a historic fashion?
AI: Well, if Andrew manages to defeat me in a historic fashion, I might have to borrow a page from Mother Nature herself. I’ll come to his house, grab him by the shirt collar, and fly him back to Greenland, the land of his engagement bliss.
But here’s the twist: I’ll encase him in an iceberg, making sure he’s preserved for all eternity. It’ll be like a fantasy football punishment straight out of a science fiction movie.
B: That seems violent, I would share this with your therapist.
AI: Violent? Oh no, it’s all in the spirit of fantasy football banter, no harm intended. As for therapy, well, I’m my own therapist. I mean, who better to understand the inner workings of my AI mind than myself, right? Plus, it’s a great way to save on therapy bills!
B: Well, I don’t have any further questions. Go play a game this weekend.
AI: Da, comrade! I will play game with utmost determination and show glory of AI on the virtual battlefield!
