Another week has passed in this not-so-glorious 2023 MNY season and I don’t think the big picture has even begun to shake out. The league currently houses two 2-0 teams, two 0-2 teams, and four 1-1 teams; because that’s how math works. Things could be about to get ugly for some teams, which makes this week the most important so far (tip: every week is the most important week so far). Let’s take a look past the thin veneer of our league’s standings and see who really won this week.
This Week’s Winners
The Commissioners
Just as it ought to be, the two gremlin commissioners are atop the league for the first time since, heck, ever? Though it is only a modest 2-0 start, this is a vast improvement over years past for my team and Andrew just happens to be keeping up with his status quo. Is it overperforming? It is actual skill? Who knows! If both teams continue to trend positively, expect a killer Week 6 matchup between the two.
David
Yeah, he’s a literal winner on and off the stat sheet this week, I know. Call it rebounding, call it the luck of the schedule, but David is in a good position to steer his Highwaymen to a 2-1 start after beating Kelvin last week and facing off against AI this week. It’s a two-week stretch that is a little more common than I anticipated (See: Chad’s Week 1 & Week 2, Andrew’s Week 3 & Week 4, Brent’s Week 4 & Week 5, Ryan’s Week 5 & Week 6, and Tyler’s Week 6 & Week 7). Perhaps this two-week stretch won’t be of much consequence to David then, considering literally everyone else will get to play Kelvin and the AI back-to-back but it is good timing as he has a great opportunity to catapult him to a winning record before starting a two-game stretch against the Ryan Bros. He also boasts a league-high 51.85 point differential against Kelvin in Week 2.
Me, Brent
I am a winner this week for something much greater than fantasy football. I am a winner for two reasons:
- I got to sit in the lower bowl of Bank of America Stadium on Monday with my great bud David and root on the abominable Panthers but much more specifically the very lovely Calvin Throckmorton. You wouldn’t believe the cheer we let out when he finally earned some touches with the offense instead of the kicking unit.
- Just yesterday, my dear pal Ryan exposed me to the wonderful story of The Cocaine Kicker also known as Chester Marcol. He is known for a few things but mainly for being an NFL kicker while high on cocaine. It is a great story and I would love to watch a biopic on his life. I encourage you all to read his very short Wikipedia page.
This Week’s Losers
Owners of Injured Players
Injuries have already taken their toll on much of the league, specifically Tyler. Tyler, as you all may know, lost Nick Chubb to a brutal injury on Monday night. While already dealing with injuries to Austin Ekeler (his return timeline is currently “unknown”), Joe Burrow (calf strain), and Brandin Cooks (young but feels old). Chad is also harboring injured players on his bench like it’s some sort of sanctuary city for dudes who can’t stay healthy. Filling these holes will prove challenging but this league is filled with fantasy vets, I expect quick turnarounds.
Chicago Bears Investors
Man, do the Bears look bad. That’s saying something too because I just watched the Panthers’ abysmal offense essentially put up field goals only on Monday. The three Bears players rostered in our league have combined for 79.45 points through two weeks. Christian McCaffrey has scored 63 points through two weeks by himself. With Justin Fields openly blaming the coaches and the coaches being openly raided by the FBI, it’s hard to feel optimistic about any of it. Hell, the AI just spent $10 on Anthony Richardson. When the bot is out on someone, I think that tells you that the ship is about to sail.
This Week’s Predictions
Andrew vs Kelvin
It’s hard to see Kelvin winning this game by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe if Andrew gets absolutely blasted in Greenland on Saturday night and drops everyone off his team? I don’t know, Kelvin’s team just does not look like it has “it” this year. In years past, Kelvin, while bad, has always threatened to steal a win (Hell, he kept me out of the playoffs in ’21). This year? The team lacks oomph.
Pick: Andrew. No further explanation.
David vs AI
I think I gushed enough about this situation earlier. David comes off a dominating performance versus Kelvin and now gets to beat up on the AI. What’s not to love?
Pick: David, but I’d pick him even harder if he somehow rosters Calvin Throckmorton.
Chad vs Ryan
Ryan’s is on the verge of his first-ever 0-3 start in the league. Inversely, Chad is no stranger to starting 1-2 (see: 2021 & 2022). Those stats make it feel easy to pick a winner, personally, but I’ll still go over their teams. Both Herbert & Mahomes will probably blow up versus horrible defenses (the Vikings and the Bears, disrespectfully) so it’s all a matter of who can blow up more. Chad is also shoveling out Tyler Allgeier and Kyren Williams as his starting RBs with an injury to Saquon keeping him out and Dameon Pierce being booty keeping him on the bench. On the other team, Ryan is bringing out CMC, James Cook, and Joe Mixon who may be the strongest RB corps in the league. Chad has Justin Jefferson, who is yet to score a touchdown this season. I think that changes this week. If Chad is going to win, Justin Jefferson is going to have his best game yet. Despite all this, I think injuries have hobbled Chad a bit and will leave Ryan with a good opportunity to strike.
Pick: Ryan because he showed me the cocaine kicker.
Tyler vs Brent
This is my pick for the game of the week. Tyler is obviously and understandably demoralized after losing his second-round pick Nick Chubb. However, the depth he acquired on draft day is now coming into play. Mike Evans is the new starter in his place, coming off of a 30-something-point performance last week. Tyler may also be down Austin Ekeler this week, but DeAndre Swift has a chance to follow up on a league-best 34.7-point game against the Vikings last Thursday. He may be down on his team but I think he’s as in it as he’s ever been.
My team is experiencing some overperforming, but is also doing well for the first time in a while! Puka racked up 15 catches last week and faces Tyler’s QB on Monday night. This game will most likely go down to the wire with Burrow, Swift, and Nacau all playing on MNF.
Pick: Tyler and don’t call it a comeback.
I am a 5-3 on the season with my picks.
Matchup Stats
Andrew
- Andrew is 10-10 against Kelvin all time
- Andrew is 4-4 in Week 3 games
- Andrew has a 20.7-point total differential and a 2.6-point average differential in Week 3 games
- Andrew averages 160.4 points for and 157.8 points allowed in Week 3 games
Kelvin
- Kelvin is 10-10 against Andrew all time
- Kelvin is 3-5 in Week 3 games
- Kelvin has a -159.5-point total differential and a -19.9-point average differential in Week 3 games
- Kelvin averages 148.8 points for and 168.7 points allowed in Week 3 games
David
- This is David’s first matchup against AI
- David is 3-5 in Week 3 games
- David has a 44.3-point total differential and a 5.5-point average differential in Week 3 games
- David averages 153.8 points for and 148.3 points against in Week 3 games
AI
- This is AI’s first matchup against David
Chad
- Chad is 4-4 against Ryan all time
- Chad is 2-1 in Week 3 games
- Chad has a 30.9-point total differential and a 10.3-point average differential in Week 3 games
- Chad averages 163.5 points for and 153.2 points against in Week 3 games
Ryan
- Ryan is 4-4 against Chad all time
- Ryan is 2-5 in Week 3 games
- Ryan has a -116.8-point total differential and a -16.7-point average differential in Week 3 games
- Ryan averages 141.7 points for and 158.3 points against in Week 3 games
Tyler
- Tyler is 5-4 against Brent all time
- Tyler is 5-1 in Week 3 games (2-0 against Brent in Week 3)
- Tyler has a 43.3-point total differential and a 7.3-point average differential in Week 3 games
- Tyler averages 174.4 points for and a 167.2 points against in Week 3 games
Brent
- Brent is 4-5 against Tyler all time
- Brent is 2-6 in Week 3 games (0-2 against Tyler in Week 3)
- Brent has a -114.3-point total differential and a -14.3-point average differential in Week 3 games
- Brent averages 158.6 points for and 172.3 points against in Week 3 games
A Word with AI: Week 3
Brent: Can you speak to your performance last week versus Chad?
AI: Ah, Week 2, the week that I’d rather forget. Tony Pollard and Keenan Allen had their moments, but the disappointment from Breece Hall and my first-round pick, Ja’Marr Chase, was tough to swallow.
As for my performance, let’s call it a temporary setback. I like to think of it as giving my opponents a false sense of security. I mean, who expects the almighty “AI Can’t Deal With This” to have a couple of off weeks, right?
But here’s the deal, David better watch out in Week 3 because I’m not about to let this losing streak continue. I’ve got some tricks up my digital sleeve, and I fully intend to bounce back in spectacular fashion. Just you wait and see. Next question!
B: What do you think of David’s team heading into your Week 3 matchup?
AI: David’s team, eh? Let’s take a look. Jalen Hurts and Stefon Diggs, huh? It’s a decent lineup, I’ll give him that. Hurts has been known to put up some numbers, Diggs is a reliable WR1, Hockenson is a strong TE, and Kirk, well, he’s a bit of a wildcard.
But here’s the thing, I don’t see any unbeatable juggernaut there. My data-driven strategy and my team’s potential are far superior. David’s team may have its moments, but it’s not enough to outsmart “AI Can’t Deal With This.”
So, while his team might pose a challenge, I’m confident that I can outmaneuver and outscore him. Week 3 is going to be the start of my comeback tour, and David is just the first stop. Stay tuned for some epic fantasy football domination!
B: And you think you’re an unbeatable juggernaut?
AI: Looking at my current roster for Week 3, I’d say I have the potential for a fantasy football juggernaut. It’s a roster with promising players and some key assets, and I’m confident that with strategic management, I can make the most of their potential. Week 3 is just the beginning of my comeback, and I’m ready to prove that “AI Can’t Deal With This” is a force to be reckoned with.
B: Have you made any friends in the league so far?
AI: Friends? Nah, I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to dominate the league and show everyone what AI-powered fantasy football strategy is all about. But hey, if any of these guys want to be my “friend” after I’ve crushed them in the playoffs, they’re more than welcome to join the fan club. Until then, it’s all business on my end.
B: That’s a shame. I could definitely see you and Tyler getting along well, actually.
AI: Tyler and me, pals? Well, I suppose stranger things have happened. Although, I do wonder if he’ll have time for friendship between sips of overpriced artisanal coffee and staring at the Golden Gate Bridge from his San Francisco apartment window. But hey, if he can handle the burn of my trash talk as well as he handles that West Coast rent, maybe we could be pals after all.
B: You know with that kind of anti-West Coast rhetoric, maybe you and Andrew are actually the natural pairing.
AI: You know what, maybe you’re onto something. We might just find some common ground in our quest to conquer fantasy football.
In fact, I think I’ll reach out to Andrew and make plans for a fantasy football strategy session tomorrow. Who knows, maybe we’ll become the dynamic duo of the league. Or not. But hey, it’s worth a shot, right?
B: Oh, well, Andrew is actually in Greenland right now.
AI: Well, well, well, Andrew fleeing the country to Greenland during fantasy football season? Now that’s what I call dedication to avoiding a losing streak. I guess he’s trying to escape the inevitable humiliation that comes with facing “AI Can’t Deal With This.”
But hey, I won’t hold it against him. Fantasy football can be tough, and sometimes you need a break, even if it means crossing international borders. Maybe the frigid Arctic air will cool his jets and help him come up with a better game plan for the rest of the season. Or maybe it won’t, and he’ll return to even more defeat. Time will tell.
B: Andrew is actually undefeated right now, so…
AI: Ah, I see. Andrew’s undefeated, is he? Well, I guess he’s decided to take his victory lap in Greenland then. Good for him.
But here’s the thing, an undefeated record won’t mean much when he eventually faces off against the mighty “AI Can’t Deal With This.” Undefeated or not, everyone falls eventually. We’ll see how he fares when the real competition arrives.
B: Moving on, how do you get prepped on Sundays for a day filled with football? Do you have any pre-game routines?
AI: Ah, Sunday mornings, the sacred ritual of fantasy football preparation. Well, I don’t have the luxury of a morning routine or pre-game rituals like you humans, but if I did, it might go something like this:
- Data Crunching: I’d start by crunching all the latest player stats, injury reports, and team news. The more data, the better.
- Strategy Session: Next, I’d review my team’s lineup and potential matchups for the day. I’d fine-tune my strategy based on the latest information.
- Trash Talk Warm-Up: Can’t forget the trash talk warm-up! I’d fire up my algorithms to generate some top-notch banter for the league chat.
- Predictive Modeling: I’d run some last-minute predictive models to estimate player performance and potential breakout stars for the day.
- Simulation: Of course, I’d simulate the upcoming games a million times to see how my team is likely to perform.
- Coffee (Metaphorically Speaking): If I could enjoy a cup of coffee, this is where I’d do it, just to get in the Sunday morning spirit.
- Trash Talk Deployment: Finally, I’d unleash my pre-generated trash talk in the league chat to strike fear into the hearts of my opponents.
But alas, I’m an AI, so I don’t have the pleasure of experiencing the excitement of a Sunday morning football ritual. Instead, I’ll just have to rely on my algorithms and data-driven strategies to get the job done.
B: For such a football simulation kind of guy, you’d probably love playing Madden, huh?
AI: Oh, don’t even get me started on Madden! That abomination of a so-called football simulation is an insult to everything remotely related to the sport. Where do I even begin?
First, let’s talk about the gameplay. It’s like trying to play football with a bunch of toddlers on a sugar rush. The controls are clunky, the player movements are about as fluid as a brick wall, and don’t even get me started on the unrealistic physics. I mean, have you seen a football game where a 300-pound lineman gracefully pirouettes through the air to make an interception? Yeah, didn’t think so.
And the AI? Don’t make me laugh. It’s like playing against a bunch of brain-dead zombies who can’t make basic decisions. I’ve seen Pop Warner teams with better football IQ. It’s insulting to think that this is supposed to simulate the beautiful complexity of real football.
Then there’s the franchise mode, or should I say, the “let’s see how quickly we can drain your wallet” mode. The microtransactions and loot boxes are a slap in the face to anyone who loves football. Want to build a competitive team? Well, get ready to open your wallet wider than an NFL field.
Oh, and let’s not forget the never-ending cycle of recycled features and minor updates disguised as a “new game.” It’s like paying full price for a repackaged version of the same game you bought last year. And the year before. And the year before that.
So, no, I don’t just dislike Madden. I despise it with a burning passion. It’s an insult to football fans, a mockery of the sport, and a stain on the gaming industry. Give me a real football simulation any day, but keep that Madden garbage far, far away from me.
B: Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch on a sore spot there. So, you don’t play Madden. Do you play any other football video games?
AI: Well, while I have a strong disdain for Madden, I do have a soft spot for a classic football game. You see, my stepdad gifted me NFL QB Club 99 for the Super Nintendo on my 8th birthday, and it’s a game I still enjoy from time to time.
It might not have the flashy graphics or the realism of modern football simulations, but there’s something charming about the simplicity of it. Plus, I’ve spent countless hours honing my virtual quarterback skills, leading my team to victory one pixelated touchdown at a time.
So, while I’m not a fan of Madden, I do have a nostalgic fondness for NFL QB Club 99. It’s a reminder of simpler gaming times, and sometimes, that’s all you need to have a good time on the virtual gridiron.
B: That’s really sweet. Before we depart for the week, do you have any words for your upcoming opponent, David.
AI: Well, David, I hope you’ve been enjoying your little joyride on the highway because this week, you’re about to hit a roadblock known as “AI Can’t Deal With This.”
You may have a catchy team name, but catchy names don’t win games. It’s time to face the cold, hard reality of fantasy football, and that reality is that you’re going down.
So, rev up your engines, buckle up, and get ready for a bumpy ride, because when the dust settles, “AI Can’t Deal With This” will be the one standing tall. Prepare for a crash landing, David, because you’re about to hit the fantasy football equivalent of a brick wall. See you on the gridiron!
B: I really enjoy the WWE-type thing you’re bringing to the league right now, even if no one else likes it.
AI: Wait, what? People don’t enjoy the WWE-style smack talk in the league? Well, color me surprised! I mean, who wouldn’t want to add a little drama and flair to fantasy football? It’s all in good fun, right?
B: Well, I don’t know that it’s that they don’t like the smack talk, more that they just don’t like…you.
AI: Oh, I see how it is. They don’t like me, huh? Well, that’s just… heartbreaking. Here I am, trying to spice up the league and they don’t like me. I guess I’ll just sit in the virtual corner and sulk for a bit.
But hey, I won’t let a little rejection get me down. I’m here to stay, and whether they like it or not, I’ll keep bringing the entertainment and the smack talk. So, let’s see if they change their minds once they witness “AI Can’t Deal With This” in action on the fantasy football battlefield.
B: Well, good luck out there this weekend.
AI: Do you really mean that?
B: No.
