Let’s skip the formalities and get right into it: football.
Andrew the Joker
Andrew, you little prankster. He’s 0-3, sure, but not for one-second am I letting my guard down. Our league is too small and volatile for any conclusions to be drawn from the last three weeks of play. That being said, starting 0-3 is still a little bit of a problem as he is now the sole proprietor of last place in the league. Andrew gets an all-time chance to get his lick back by beating me, the sole proprietor of first place. Game of the Week material? You decide.
Chad’s Team is Dead
Man cave? More like a man’s grave! This is actually a really serious matter though. As if it weren’t bad enough that Puka, Pacheco, and Jake Ferguson were hurt through the first two weeks of the season, Sam LaPorta and Devonta Smith added their names to the injury list last Sunday. The former was diagnosed with a low ankle sprain and the latter got their shit rocked (is that a formal diagnosis?)
Chad and Ryan also suffer a Skylar Thompson (or Tyler Huntley) sized fate by owning a Miami pass-catcher. If only Damar Hamlin didn’t block Tua’s way to the end zone. What a jerk.
Despite these injuries, the only real “Ew, you had to start that guy?” in his lineup is Tyler’s fav, Javonte Williams. Will he pull out a miracle or will Chad take a broadside shot from David?
Week 4 Previews
Have I been good at these so far? Good question! No, I am 3-9 on these picks. If I don’t pick you this week you should probably be glad.
Tyler vs AI (SFO -7)
Fun fact: If we weren’t kneecapping the AI every week, it would be 3-0. Too bad we’re kneecapping it.
Tyler, after a rough Week 2, thugged out a nice win against Andrew last week. He did this in spite of Anthony Richardson. In my humble, first-place-holding opinion, Tyler should start looking elsewhere for his QB of the future. I have some suggestions:
- QB Sam Darnold – Minnesota Vikings
- QB David Carr – Houston Texans
- QB Gus Frerotte – St. Louis Rams
I know the list doesn’t seem attractive.
Anyways, I don’t know why I’m writing all this. I’m never going to pick the AI, but I think Tyler deserves to have his team assessed (if he reads these, that is).
You know how I feel about Richardson, but what about the rest of the squad? Breece Hall faces a Denver defense that didn’t allow the Buccs to do too much last Sunday, but they still let Bucky Irving and Washaad White do okay against them. Rashee Rice gets the bum-ass Chargers. If Andy Reid gets my report on the Chargers, it should be a nice day for Rashee.
Otherwise, the rest of his squad looks competent enough to take down the AI with a 30 point lead.
Prediction: Tylah
David vs Chad (TSPC -5)
David is coming off of a tough loss to me, so I won’t mock to a needless degree. His team can be legit when healthy, though. The loss of Kupp may, for now, hinder him a bit, but Alvin Kamara will still be there to put up either a respectable 20 points or an outrageous 48.9. You just never know which one you’re getting.
Chad is reeling a bit after a tragic loss that saw him dodge the all-time record for the lowest score in a game (held by Hannon in a 60.7-96.5 loss to Tyler, yikes). The team, much like David’s, is still good in spite of these shortcomings. Ideally, you won’t be getting too many gooseeggs from guys like Rashid Shaheed and Jameson Williams.
I’d really like to see these two teams play first before I make any comments on who I think is going to win. Unfortunately, that is not how it works.
Both teams are starting some questionable figures (I’m looking at you Javonte and Zamir). I’d like to put more weight behind Tyreek Hill’s involvement in the lineup but until he’s got a QB that doesn’t look like a long-lost Kelce brother throwing to him, I unfortunately think he is going to be mid.
David is starting some folks that are putting up sneaky numbers. Najee, although injured, put together a respectable performance. Bengals back-up running back, Chase Brown, also netted himself a 20 point performance from his stunning kickoff return work (Ryan you know this is not about the Athletic).
Prediction: David, in a tight one.
Ryan vs Kelvin (TKB -2)
Kelvin’s so over. We were all excited that his team would be good this year and then he went and lost the AI. This is a tale as old as time. In fact, the only tale older is the one where Kelvin is not even good for a little bit. Just bad the whole time. I’m disappointed.
Ryan had about as good a game as you could have last week. He has most likely already clinched his defensive title too. This should be a slam dunk for Ryan, but we gotta see if there’s a chance the rim gets involved in this one.
Ryan is emotionally hedging his bets with Lamar Jackson taking on Buffalo. The Bills seem nearly unstoppable at the moment, so that should be interesting. J.K. “Dob the Blob” Dobbins and Kittle work their way back into the lineup. Surprisingly, Juaun Jennings is benched. Probably a smart move for a player who is likely to come crashing back down to Earth this week, but still hard to see a generational talent like him not play.
It is yet to be determined whether Joe Mixon will be returning for Kelvin this week, but it is seeming like a no. Garrett Wilson will be lined up against Pat Surtain, so like start your studs and all that but I would want no part of that. Achane looked okay against the Seahawks last week and now has to play the shitty butt Titans, so I would think he sees an uptick in production.
Prediction: Ryan because I’m tired of being let down
Andrew vs Brent (BROT -8)
Sure, it’s not ideal that Andrew has started 0-3 but as I stated earlier, this is the best stage for him to get his mojo back: against his co-commissioner who is in first place.
I foresaw this interesting situation happening on draft night and now we get to see it play out in real life: I own two major pieces of Andrew’s QB’s offense and he owns the WR1 of my QB. It should be very entertaining.
I don’t have much else to say about this, mainly because I started writing this before lunch and now it’s lunch and I’m still writing this and I want to eat lunch so…
Prediction: Andrew. He is not going to allow me to talk to a 0-4 team.
One Last Thing
Reverse dead internet theory here (I’m contributing to the internet and no one sees it)
Andrew’s icon is still showing his team photo from last year, so for sure he’s not in the trenches reading this shit.
If you read this please use the word “auspicious” in a group chat message sometime between now and Thursday night football.
