Hello, I just got back from my job as an NFL spy. My intel on the Chargers is currently en route to Pittsburgh as we speak, but I suppose I can give my gracious Patreon supports some info as well:
- Justin Herbert is dead. This will put his status for Week 3 in serious question.
- J.K. Dobbins made some good cuts but unfortunately, he is also dead. Expect Gus Edwards to get some additional carries due to this.
- Jim Harbaugh was really fired up during this practice. He kept screaming at his guys, presumably to encourage them to play better but it also could be because the corpses of Justin Herbert and J.K. Dobbins were lying on the field.
- Biff Poggi silently watched from a press box but you could hear his breathing over the PA system.
- Easton Stick is also dead.
With that out of the way, lets look at how this will affect what really matters: my fantasy football league.
David Leads the League
David has been tremendous so far this season. He comes into Week 3 with a 2-0 record and the highest points total of any team in the league. Both Weeks 1 and 2 he was carried by outstanding performances from Cooper Kupp and Alvin Kamara, respectively. This week he gets me, who is also somehow 2-0. More on that later though.
Andrew is Playing Possum
I’m not letting my guard down for a single second. I’ve seen this movie before and I know how it ends. You simply think Andrew is really down for the count, but just like the fantasy football slasher villain he is, his hand moves right before the credits roll. He gets Tyler this week, who is also facing some mighty fantasy struggles.
Chad’s Team is Very Injured
Despite being 2-0, Chad was dealt another crushing blow last week when it was announced Isiah Pacheco fractured his tibula fibula in Sunday’s contest versus the Bengals. Chad already has already had a rough hand dealt due to the injuries to Puka (PCL sprain), Jake Ferguson (MCL sprain), and Tee Higgins (PVC sprain). We’ll have to see how he performs in the coming weeks.
Week 3 Previews
Kelvin vs AI (KLEF -33 or -3)
Kelvin comes off a close loss to (Hello, Twitter, it’s) yours truly (RIP). The AI comes off being bad at fantasy football yet again. With or without the 30-point cushion, I think Kelvin takes this one handily (with both hands). Jordan Mason should be in line for even more touches without Deebo, Burrow gets a Charmin-soft Commanders defense, and Derrick Henry against a Cowboys defense that just got smoked by Derek Carr and Alvin Kamara.
Prediction: Kelvin and never the AI
Chad vs Ryan (ROLX -9)
Chad, as discussed earlier, is dealing with injury issues so bad he’s starting Javonte Williams. His first-round pick, Tyreek Hill, now has *hold on one second I gotta look this up* Skylar Thompson throwing the ball to him (we’ll consider that Tyreek’s karma for his crimes). However, with James Conner being sneakily solid so far this year, DeVonta Smith coming off of a nice game, and Rashid Shaheed exceeding expectations so far, there’s no reason he can’t still put up a nice score.
Ryan, on the other hand, is seemingly spinning his wheels with his bench. Jauan Jennings makes his debut in the lineup since being picked up approximately 12 hours ago. JK Dobbins also makes his starting debut, although I can’t imagine that going well considering, well y’know, he’s dead. I think the big determining factor on whether this is a close, competitive game lies with Amon-Ra St. Brown’s status on Sunday. If he plays, I expect this game to be within single digits. If not, I’m taking Chad.
Prediction: Probably still taking Chad. Sorry, Ryan.
Tyler vs Andrew (PUSH)
This is a big game for both of our lovely boys. One outcome will see Andrew go 0-3 for the third time ever and the first time since 2020, the other outcome will see Tyler fall below .500 through the first three weeks, which historically, he has struggled to come back from.
Anthony Richardson is bad.
Andrew has loaded up his lineup this week chock full of running backs. My favorite law firm, Robinson, Robinson & Pollard will see the field alongside their paralegals De’Andrew Swift and Kenneth Walker III (if healthy). If Marvin Harrison can follow up on his massive performance last week with another great game, I think Andrew will notch his first win.
I guess I’ll talk about Tyler’s team seriously now. Anthony Richardson is bad. The only reason he has any fantasy value is because he can run and occasionally throw a deep bomb. But man, it’s feast or famine with that guy. Anyways, unless he pulls out a good game, the weight will be on Fort Mason’s supporting cast. Breece, Rashee, and Kyren are the guys I expect to have good games, but we may need to see some more action from guys like Rhamondre Stevenson (my Jets fan coworker tells me their run defense is atrocious so maybe!) and Chris Olave. We’ll see, I suppose.
Prediction: Andrew, based on vibes only…and the fact that I’m tired of Anthony Richardson stealing carries from Jonathan Taylor.
David vs Brent (PUSH)
Cool, sweet, another game that ESPN thinks will be a toss-up. Who saw this one as a battle of the undefeated? Me, I did.
Equally as injured, David and I will both have some new faces in the lineup this week. Firstly, starting Bengals running back Zack Moss will see fantasy action for the first time this year. For David, Zamir White debuts versus the shitty-poo-poo Panthers defense as well as back-up Bengals running back Chase Brown.
I actually didn’t realize it until just now typing this that I suppose this game will be the definitive answer as to who was right about the Zack Moss debacle of August 2024. Surely my talking all of this smack won’t result in Chase Brown out-touching and scoring Moss, right 😅
Prediction: David will take top spot in the league after this week. He is not crab rangoon ravioli.
Another Thing I Just Thought About
For the last few weeks, I’ve been including the “fantasy lines” that ESPN makes for fantasy games. I am now wondering how accurate they are. Usually, Vegas’ betting lines are scarily accurate. Is this the case for ESPN? Probably not but I’m going to list out the differences between their lines and the actual results.
Week 1
Ryan vs Brent
- Line: BROT -14
- Result: BROT wins by 6.7
- Verdict: ESPN, why would you ever bet me to cover? We’re calling this a fail.
AI vs David
- Line: PUSH (or -30 depending on how you look at it)
- Result: TSPC wins by 29
- Verdict: ESPN did a pretty good job here because David would’ve lost by one point if the AI were a real person.
Chad vs Tyler
- Line: ROLX -4
- Result: ROLX wins by 24
- Verdict: Big L, ESPN.
Andrew vs Kelvin
- Line: CRT -24
- Result: KLEF wins by 23
- Verdict: What a dogshit line, ESPN.
Week 2
Tyler vs AI
- Line: SFO -5 (or -35)
- Result: SFO wins by 19
- Verdict: Another case of getting lucky that the AI is not a real boy, this was a bad line regardless though.
Chad vs Andrew
- Line: ROLX -14
- Result: ROLX wins by 15
- Verdict: Good line.
Kelvin vs Brent
- Line: BROT -3
- Result: BROT wins by 8
- Verdict: Decent line, I guess
Ryan vs David
- Line: TSPC -13
- Result: TSPC wins by 7
- Verdict: Aight line, I guess
The takeaway? Idk. ESPN seems like it does a decent job at predicting winners for the most part (except for that crazy projection for Andrew/Kelvin Week 1). I don’t know what i was seeking to accomplish really.
One Last Thing
Andrew’s team picture still shows the Andrewstan Gator Tanks instead of Monitor Madness. This happening to anyone else?
Ok byeeee.
