What’s up YouTube, it’s ya boy The Pistachio Faced Gamer back again with another comprehensive review of my favorite hobby that simultaneously upsets me on a daily basis. Wow, what a kind of stinky week, eh? We had lots of bad QB play, players barely putting up any points, and an injury or two. All in a day’s work for us resident fantasy football players. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights and lowlights of Week 1 of the 2024 season.
Kelvin is Good Now?
I really shouldn’t give Kelvin a lick of credit here. The more aptly named headline is “Autodrafting from 1.01 is Good?” Hell, Kelvin didn’t even have his first overall pick, Christian McCaffrey, play and he still won. Fuck, he even kept him in the lineup and handily defeated Andrew. Carried by performances by Joe Mixon, Devon Achane, and the Cowboys defense, he had the game wrapped up before Sunday Night Football even started. Will this be a one week wonder performance or does Kelvin actually have the juice now?
This shouldn’t come as a huge surprise though. Kelvin, shockingly, has been no stranger to some early-season success. Over the last four seasons, he’s never finished the first three weeks any worse than 2-1. This stat probably spells bad news for me, Kelvin’s Week 2 opponent, but it’ll be interesting to see whether this plays out into Kelvin’s most successful season yet or an unmitigated car wreck. Also important to note: we’re apparently no longer a dues league so if Kelvin is good off the back of auto-draft, there’s nothing stopping this man from post-season success…just something to think about.
Yucky Low Scoring Affairs
A lot of our mainstay “good teams” really appeared to struggle this week: Reigning champion Andrew only notched a hair above 133 points, Tyler put up his lowest opening week score since 2020, Ryan barely eeked by his Week 1 performance from last year, and don’t even get me started about the AI!
Some of this can be attributed to that early-season rust that’s been happening ever since the NFL got rid of the final preseason game, but it does make you wonder whether this is just a sign of things to come. Maybe Marvin Harrison Jr is on pace to score 1.4 points a game! Perhaps Justin Tucker is washed now? And, hear me out here, Zack Moss is the Bengals starting running back?! (I will not let this die) Oh well, there’s nothing else to say about it so I won’t.
Week 2 Predictions
Kelvin vs Brent (KLEF -5)
Unfortunately, Kelvin has already proved he doesn’t need Christian McCaffrey to win games. Now with Jordan Mason at his stead, he can in fact replace that production. My only hope is that the Vikings will key in on Mason and force the Niners to focus on their lesser offensive pieces like Brandon Aiyuk, Deebo Samuel, and George Kittle…
While my team didn’t necessarily look like an offensive juggernaut, I did see potential. However, lots of my production is dependent on how good the Bills and Buccs offenses are at any given moment. So far, so good, but who knows how long that’ll last.
Prediction: Kelvin betrays me on the week of our 14th friendiversary
Tyler vs AI (SFO -41 or -11)
I don’t think this is a controversial take but I hope Tyler wins. A nice bounce-back victory over a fake team after a disappointing week would be nice, I bet. The AI has some good offensive firepower, but I don’t quite know if it has enough to beat Tyler by 30.
The bulk of AI’s team won’t even play until after the 4 o’clock games which, by that time, Tyler will have hopefully built up a sturdy lead. I’m looking at Rashee Rice and Breece Hall to have solid games.
Prediction: Tyler over the cyborg
Ryan vs David (TSPC -12)
I hear they’re calling this one The Petra’s Bowl. David put up the highest point total in Week 1 and I think he stands a solid chance to repeat the feat in Week 2 against his concert partner, Ryan. Najee Harris has somehow made David’s lineup, which…gross. However, I expect good things out of Cooper Kupp, CeeDee Lamb, and Alvin Kamara.
On Ryan’s side, he’s got (who I think is) the better of the two Lions backs along with Amon-Ra who is bound to bounce back after last week’s disappointing outing.
It’ll be close and I think you can make an argument for either team which is why…
Prediction: Ryan makes crab rangoon ravioli (or whatever that one meal at dish is, I forget) out of David
Andrew vs Chad (ROLX -7)
Chad has already suffered arguably the biggest setback so far of the season. He lost Puka Nacua on Sunday Night and he looks to be out for at least four more weeks. Despite the 1-0 on the record sheet, the vibes are definitely that of a team that needs to prove he’s more than the Pookster.
Andrew, on the other hand, scored his lowest amount in a Week 1 game since 2016 and will look to see improvements from Mark Andrews, Marvin Harrison Jr, and De’Andrew Swift (editor’s note: real typo, not a pun).
This game has a lot of primetime players in it, which I hate. But it also means this is a “high-profile game” which is fun.
Prediction: This game has a weird lopsided amount of prime time games and that scares me. I’ll take Andrew in a bounce back.
How Do I End An Article?
Oh yeah-
