I think fantasy football is mightily overrated. I mean, think about it: we draft dudes who are going to play with balls to try and make sure you come out on top against another dude? Idk, seems kind of weird to me.
I still drafted a team because this league is filled with peer-pressuring bullies, but I’m promising myself I’m not going to get into it this year. Instead, I’ve got my eyes on a much greater prize: the Hallmark Christmas Fantasy League where I spent my first overall pick on 2021’s Coyote Creek Christmas and if enough of you tune into it this holiday season, I’ll win my league!
Unfortunately, despite the fact I’d rather be jingling my bells (don’t ask me what that means), I suppose since no one will pick up the writing and recording mantle for me (Tyler says we can’t even get a full season’s worth of videos) I’ll have to continue writing stupid articles no one reads about this stupid fantasy sportsball game.
Change Your Team Name, Kelvin
Kelvin Goddamn Clark, it is opening night of NFL football and your ass is still named the Kelvton G Kelvtons. Change that shit, please. I know you’re in your first days at a new job but fantasy is a job far more important than any regular job that pays you money for your time. Change it…please.
The Teams?
Oh yeah, I guess I can run through “the teams” if you want. Not that my opinion is very valuable or requested but here goes:
Monitor Madness
Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Hahahahaha. Ohhhhhh, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Mhhhmm, sweet baby Andrew. Born on Christmas morning Andrew. I’m going to kill myself if you win another championship. How do you think you’re going to feel when you kill a nice, innocent, sweet man?
Do I think Andrew is going to win another championship? I mean, I don’t know. Statistically and historically, he probably will but there’s no real guarantee.
He secured himself the top fantasy QB in Josh Allen and later grabbed Bijan Robinson (who is now free from Arthur Smith) and Kenneth Walker III (who I hate because he is indeed an “Andrew-coded player”). In my opinion, the only questionable part of his roster is his WR corps. A.J. Brown is plenty solid, but Tank Dell in a crowded offense and an aging Calvin Ridley do give me some pause. Even if these players end up having problems, I don’t see Andrew having any problems pivoting and adjusting.
The Verdict? He’s either finishing the season 1st or 5th, so I will average them out and say he finishes 3rd.
Munich Astrobrots
I obviously cannot speak about my team without bias, so I’m not going to! Zack Moss is going to light this league the fuck up to the likes of which none of you have ever seen. My guy is gonna be pounding that rock 28-32 times a game while Joey “Ice” B stands in shock and awe and watches. You all are going to regret not drafting this guy in the 1st round, let alone rounds 2-14. I got nothing else after that honestly.
The Verdict? My mom says I’m handsome.
Geary Rolex Robbers
Recently unnamed up until about 20 hours ago, Chad decided to load up on receiver talent. First with his selection of Tyreek Hill in the opening round and then later with Puka Nacua, Sam LaPorta, DeVonta Smith, and Tee Higgins. Now, what you may note is that you could argue all of these guys (save for Hill) are secondary options on their team. Puka and Kupp form a weird 1a/1b thing right now, DeVonta is definitely the WR2 behind Brown, and while Tee Higgins could be big depending on what Chase does, he’ll be a WR2 once Chase returns. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just means that his receivers may have more variance from game to game than Tyreek does.
His RB is fine. Pacheco was a guy I was looking for in the middle of the third, in fact. He’s on one of the best offenses in the league and he’s going to get touches. Josh Jacobs, who originally may have been considered a “mid-pick” has just lucked his way into having no one notable behind him in the backfield. Try to split carries NOW, Matt LaFleur!
The Verdict? Fine team, give me a 4th place finish.
Tommy St. Pecans
Until David gave me the backstory on this team name, I assumed it was supposed to be pronounced “Tommy Saint Pecans” which I thought was oddly holy and Catholic for David. Turns out its “street.” Oh well.
David, in contrast to recent years, kept his draft relatively simple and on track. He took the obvious pick of CeeDee Lamb at the fourth pick, took Patrick Mahomes at a decent time, and snagged a couple of guys who could be sneaky.
Jahmyr Gibbs leads his backfield, although he’s currently dealing with a hamstring and a split workload with David Montgomery. Behind him though, is Kamara, Spears, Zamir White (who I’ve heard described as a “league winner” but who knows), and Zack Moss’s mortal enemy Chase Brown. Honestly, once we get past Kamara, that RB room starts looking pretty bleak unless Tony Pollard pulls a DeMarco Murray and sucks ass once leaving the ‘Boys.
His WR corps is way more attractive, to me anyways. Behind CeeDee is the aforementioned 1b, Cooper Kupp, the recently extended Brandon Aiyuk, and (depending on how you feel about the Panthers) a sneaky WR1 in Diontae Johnson.
The Verdict? It looks good but this world is wild, crazy, and unpredictable. 7th place finish.
Iron Klefing Killers
He won’t change his name but that’s his name this year. Kelvin autodrafted and as a result his team kind of looks spooOooky. Christian McCaffrey, Garrett Wilson, and Derrick Henry round out his first few selections in the draft, which I like. Henry is the most likely to bust in my opinion, just due to his age and new situation but I don’t want to doubt the man. His bench is fairly underwhelming though, save for Joe Mixon. It sure will be interesting to see him win the entire league.
The Verdict? This man is going to beat Tyler in the championship game.
The Kindest Bowlers
If this were a “Best Fantasy Name” breakdown, Ryan would win it by a large margin. Thankfully, we added a “good team name” component to scoring this year so he will be receiving an additional half point each week he keeps the name.
Ryan grabbed Amon-Ra St. Brown with his first round selection and then backed it up with Lamar Jackson, Travis Etienne, and Jaylen Waddle in the following rounds. His team is definitely WR-loaded, but he has some stash RBs on his bench. Raheem Mostert (who I believe is seeing a start this weekend against me) will be a great player to plug-and-play on favorable matchups. Nick Chubb, who is still on the PUP list, could also be a big factor once he heals up.
The Verdict? Has anyone finished 6th yet? Let’s just make him 6th.
Fort Mason Muni Riders
Tyler’s team, on paper, looks very well-rounded. His selections include Breece Hall (hate that for me but love that for him), Michael Pittman (I would’ve been more envious of this selection about two years ago), and Kyren Williams (punt-returner extraordinaire). His team does genuinely seem pretty deep, though. He snagged Jerome Ford late, picked up Chuba Hubbard off waivers, and has Amari Cooper sitting deep on his bench as well. This team will be good, but I expect it will be a little up-and-down adventure for Tyler this season.
The Verdict? Get ready to lose to Kelvin in the championship, buddy.
Drunk Drafting
No one cares
The Verdict? To the gallows
Let me pick those dang games
Ryan vs Brent
For reasons out of my control, I will not pick myself to win a game (Grammarly just said there were 68 ways they could make that sentence better. Really, Grammarly? 68 ways? It was a 15-word sentence, I really don’t know what you could change to give it more clarity or character. I think maybe you’re feeling overly confident in your grammar abilities. Get a fucking grip on yourself, Grammarly).
Winner, winner: Ryan dinner.
Chad vs Tyler
A game with two teams named after San Francisco. Only one of them has actually been to San Francisco though. Who will I favor? The one that hasn’t been to San Francisco probably.
Winner: Chaad
Andrew vs Kelvin
Andrew has a title to defend and I fully expect he will versus Kelvin. No funny business here.
Serious Businessman: Andrew
David vs AI
David’s seething rage and anger towards the AI should result in a pretty hefty blowout. Looking forward to this one and whatever insane ramblings David ends up drunk-posting into the ESPN chat on Saturday night.
New overlord: David
That’s all now. Get out of here.
