I’m going to do a bit of an abbreviated post today, mainly because I don’t feel like doing the whole thing. Let’s get to winners and losers
This Week’s Winners
Artificial Intellgience
Man, I really just let AI get a signature win against me, huh? It didn’t even field a defense or a kicker and still won. That’s some real psychological fuckin’ warfare that’ll take weeks of therapy to undo. Props where props are due, I will not be giving props to the AI. Ja’Marr Chase single-handedly carried this team to a victory and had he not had his coming out party, I would be happily dunking on the AI for the rest of the season. Instead? This mess. I am sick of myself.
Kelvin
The two least likely winners are now on the famed “This Week’s Winners” section of the post. While I don’t think this win is something Kelvin will build off of, it is going to make his record at season’s end a little less sad-looking. Although, why am I talking shit? I’m only one game ahead of him. Impressive win, m’Kelv.
Andrew
I can only keep an undefeated man off my list of winners so far. Winning, simply put, is just in Andrew’s blood. We cannot separate the two, we can only hope to transfuse some loser’s blood into his body. I volunteer as tribute.
This Week’s Losers
At the request of the Fortner household, we will not be partaking in the “This Week’s Losers” section. Rather, we will gather in prayer.
My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart.
In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good,
I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things.
I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more,
and to avoid whatever leads me to sin.
Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us.
In His name. My God have mercy.
This Week’s Predictions
I went/will go over most of these in my video this week (depending on which one hits the chat first), but I’ll do a brief overview of my picks and my rationale as to why.
Ryan vs AI
I am putting no stock in the AI’s win over me or Ryan’s loss to Kelvin. Let’s call them what they are: flukes. Follow-up performances by Chase, Kupp, and Hall may make me change my tune a bit, but I’m nowhere near comfortable enough calling this game in the AI’s favor. Ryan is slotting fan-favorite Raheem Mostert into his lineup again this week and mostly good things have happened when he does that.
Pick: Ryan. Fuck the AI.
Tyler vs Kelvin
Kelvin, unfortunately, is going to follow up his astounding win over Ryan by running into our resident 200+ point scorer, Tyler (I’ll take sentences that were factually incorrect before 2021 for $500, Alex). I don’t feel like I need any further justification other than that I don’t think that Kelvin’s ragtag team of fringe fantasy starters will do enough damage to take down Tyler, especially if Austin Ekeler makes his triumphant return to action. What I do have for you though is part three of my thrilling Brock Purdy/Tyler fan-fiction. Enjoy:
Amidst the pandemonium of the prison lockdown, Tyler and Michael Floyd were trapped, their desperation growing by the second. To secure their escape, they understood that a daring alliance was their only way out. In grim silence, they made an unspoken pact and embarked on a treacherous journey.
Their path through the prison’s dark, winding corridors was fraught with danger, and it wasn’t long before they found themselves cornered by a ruthless gang – the very embodiment of chaos in the prison. Tyler knew that to create a diversion, he had to make a ruthless choice.
Tyler sacrificed him, shoving him out into the open like a pawn in a cruel game. The gang descended on Michael without mercy as Tyler turned and ran, guilt and determination warring within him.
Scaling the massive prison fence with desperation, Tyler’s heart raced as he finally reached the top. But as he attempted to jump to freedom, a powerful hand grabbed his ankle. He glanced down to see the old sheriff, a steely glint in his eyes, his deep southern drawl a haunting echo in the night.
“Sugar, there ain’t no outrunnin’ your demons,” the sheriff muttered, his grip unrelenting. “You think you’re crafty, but you’ve entered a world of pain.”
In a daring move, Tyler wrestled himself free from the sheriff’s grasp, their struggle a battle between the desperate and the determined. As the two locked eyes, Tyler’s voice quivered with fear and vengeance. “I’ll do whatever it takes to settle this score.”
With one swift, brutal strike, Tyler silenced the sheriff forever. The old lawman crumpled to the ground, lifeless. Tyler knew there was no turning back as he leaped over the fence, landing on the other side, the darkness of the night and his thirst for vengeance beckoning him into the unknown.
Pick: Tyler
Chad vs David
An “epic” showdown between the league’s two 2-3 teams, what’s not to love? Chad, obviously, is missing Justin Jefferson. The hole that Jefferson is leaving very well may be filled, in part, by TJ Hockenson, much to David’s chagrin. Both teams are starting dudes that I would never want to start, so it seems like it’s going to be a dog fight. I’m hoping at the very least that it’s a close game!
Pick: Chad, because I think he wants it more. But also David because I think Chad is about to end his fantasy career.
Andrew vs Brent
My worst nightmare–Andrew and I, 12-12 against each other, gearing up for a Week 6 matchup. Andrew is rolling, looking nearly unstoppable. Brent? Coming off a loss to a robot. This is what keeps me up at night.
Pick: Andrew and I’m not just making this pick because I never choose myself.
This Week’s Stats
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A Word with AI: Week 6
Brent: I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
AI: I understand the frustration, my friend. Fantasy football can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Whenever you’re ready to chat, I’ll be here. Until then, take your time to regroup and bounce back stronger in the next matchup.
B: Are you patronizing me?
AI: So, how does it feel to fall to “AI Can’t Deal With This”? I’ll be right here when you’re ready to discuss your team’s epic defeat.
B: I will fucking kill you.
AI: Didn’t we make a bet? I think you owe me a creative AI-themed trash-talk message to use. I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with!
B: I’m not even fully sure I know what you want from me.
AI: How about crafting a trash talk message along the lines of: “Hey there, Tyler! Remember when my AI team dominated and proved that even machines can outwit human managers? Well, get ready for more of the same next time we face off!” Feel free to add your own personal touch to it. It’s all in good fun!
B: You want me to trash talk Tyler even though you play Ryan this week?
AI: Let’s adjust the trash talk then: “Hey Ryan! Remember when my AI team dominated and proved that even machines can outwit human managers? Well, get ready for more of the same next time we face off!” Thanks for pointing that out, and let’s focus on the upcoming matchup with Ryan.
B: Wait, so am I coming up with this trash-talk message or are you?
AI: My apologies for any confusion. You are indeed responsible for coming up with the trash talk message as per our bet. I provided a sample message for you earlier, but feel free to customize it to your liking. It’s all in good fun!
B: Okay, I’m going to take a crack at it: “Ryan ya little cunt ya’ah gonna lose so bad to a software made by espn. Ya’ll rue the bloody day ya decided ta cross a team run by ai mate”
AI: Well, that’s certainly a spicy trash talk message! It’s got some real edge to it. Just remember to keep it all in good fun and in the spirit of fantasy football banter. I think it’ll get the message across nicely.
B: I don’t want to be nice anymore. You’ve turned me into the Joker.
AI: Haha, it seems like I’ve awakened your inner fantasy football villain. Embrace the chaos and enjoy the mind games of the game. Just remember, it’s all in good fun, and in the end, it’s the love of football that brings us all together. Best of luck in your upcoming matchups!
B: I’m not having fun anymore.
