I can barely think of a new sentence to start off this article, so we’re just gonna get into it straight away.
This Week’s Winners
Andrew
That little fucking stinker is doing it again and I have no idea how to stop him. Back-to-back 190+ point weeks and an undefeated record paints an image that Andrew is going to waltz to the championship again. Someone has to stop him–not me, but someone.
This Week’s Losers
Tyler
Tyler only scored just a hair over 100 points this week, somehow even less than Kelvin and the AI. His quarterback, Joe Burrow, has been benched presumably until further notice, and his other players are seemingly having trouble getting into the flow. He made a series of pickups on the waiver wire this week, but these are most likely depth pieces and nothing more. He’ll get a chance to turn it around this week against David.
This Week’s Predictions
Brent vs AI
The AI thus far has spent a piss-load of money on two dudes, upset David, and not much else. To its credit though, it finally dropped J.K. Dobbins from its roster. Anthony Richardson seems to be the most threatening piece of this team, as early picks Jamarr Chase and Jahmyr Gibbs continue to disappoint. Also, as of typing, it is currently starting a kicker on a bye.
Pick: The AI will showcase the incredible human spirit by upsetting Brent both in fantasy and in real life.
Ryan vs Kelvin
I do this weird thing at work when I do something that I’m not completely sure was the right thing to do, I feel the need to basically air that out to people to try and gauge whether they think it was the right thing to do. Most of the time people say “Brent, you freak, you worry too much.” and then I go back to my desk and I type it all up in a weekly article for a fantasy football website that no one save for my brother reads. The point I’m getting at here is: was it right for me to not even open the match-up page for this game and not say anything meaningful about this game? If you see me today, tell me that it will be okay.
Pick: Kel-I mean Ryan
Tyler vs David
Were you expecting some in-depth analysis of this matchup? Sorry, you should know better. Here is the next part of my Tyler/Brock Purdy fan fic:
Tyler’s rage and frustration drove him to Pacific Heights in the dead of night. Armed with a spray paint can, he approached Brock Purdy’s mansion with vengeance on his mind. As the words, “Colin Kaepernick clears you, bum,” appeared on the wall, he felt a mix of satisfaction and guilt.
Suddenly, a spotlight shone on him, and a grizzled old sheriff, sporting a handlebar mustache, stepped into view. His deep southern drawl was thick as molasses. “Well, now, ain’t that a sight. Looky here, we got ourselves a city slicker turned vandal.”
Tyler gulped and tried to explain, “I… I just wanted to… You know, show him that he’s not the best.”
The sheriff’s brow furrowed, and he leaned in closer to Tyler’s ear. “Son, you done taken a detour to Stupidville, and you’re in the express lane to trouble. This here ain’t the way to settle scores, no sir.”
With surprising agility, the sheriff cuffed Tyler and led him away to his patrol car. As they drove, the sheriff spoke in his enigmatic, country way. “Life’s a mule-kickin’ rodeo, ain’t it? Sometimes folks forget that respect’s a two-way road. Vandalizin’ ain’t how you make a point, boy.”
Tyler sighed, realizing he’d messed up big time. But before he could say anything, the sheriff continued, “You’re lucky it’s just me takin’ you in, not the whole posse. Now, let’s see what the judge has in store for you.”
They arrived at the county jail, and Tyler found himself in a cramped cell, sitting across from none other than Rueben Foster, who had been locked away since 2018 but no one ever bothered to release him. Rueben eyed Tyler with a mix of curiosity and judgment.
Tyler sighed, admitting defeat. But before he could say anything, the prison’s intercom crackled to life, and a voice filled with urgency interrupted them. “All inmates, prepare for lockdown. We got ourselves a ruckus outside. Lockdown now!”
The lights dimmed, and chaos erupted as alarms blared. Tyler and Rueben exchanged puzzled looks, their confinement now overshadowed by a mysterious external threat.
In the dimly lit cell, Tyler had no idea what was unfolding outside, how it might affect his already tumultuous predicament, or if he’d find a way out of this mess.
Okay, I don’t think I’m going to be able to get away with doing this two weeks in a row without actual analysis. I believe both David and Tyler’s teams are a little wonky right now. Tyler is obviously dealing with injury issues that are keeping Ekeler out seemingly indefinitely. He posted a low-low 105 points last week against Chad too. This week, he loses Mike Evans to a bye and slots in DJ Moore, who strung together a strong performance last week, albeit against a weak Broncos defense.
David’s team looks great up top. Hurts, Diggs, and Jacobs (if he has truly gotten his shit together) should be carrying the load for David’s team. I do have some concerns with a few of his starters, mainly Miles “the YPC WOAT” Sanders and George Pickens. But Brian Robinson and Isiah Pacheco have strung together some good weeks and should help the cause.
Pick: Call me crazy but I’m going David but also because Tyler shitted on my Christmas album idea.
Andrew vs Chad
Game of the week game of the week game of the week game of the week. ESPN has this as a tightly contested game and I’m hoping it is!
Andrew’s team, regrettably, looks really strong yet again. Many of Andrew’s players are seemingly headed up against some generous defenses, which bodes well for him. Derrick Henry, while starting slow, just had a great game that could be the start of something good. His only weak spots, in my opinion, are in Michael Pittman Jr and Devon Achane. I refuse to elaborate further.
Chad’s team has struggled and he unfortunately finds his quarterback on bye this week, which led to him starting Jordan Love. I don’t think he’s going to need a 190 point game to beat Andrew this week, but it’s probably going to take a good 170-180 points. Love, Jefferson, St. Brown, and Brown should provide him with a good floor, but it feels like he’ll need exceptional performances from his supporting cast to help lift him over the edge.
Pick: Chad. I love my brother.
Matchup Stats
Brent
- This is Brent’s first game against AI
- Brent is 3-5 in Week 5 games
- Brent has a 28.75-point total differential and a 3.6-point average differential in Week 5 games
- Brent averages 170.3 points for and 166.7 points allowed in Week 5 games
AI
- is a poltroon
Ryan
- Ryan is 5-5 against Kelvin all-time
- Ryan is 4-3 in Week 5 games
- Ryan has a 81.8-point total differential and a 11.7-point average differential in Week 5 games
- Ryan averages 181.8 points for and 170.2 points allowed in Week 5 games
Kelvin
- Kelvin is 5-5 against Kelvin all-time
- Kelvin is 2-6 in Week 5 games
- Kelvin has a -19.0-point total differential and a -2.4-point average differential in Week 5 games
- Kelvin averages 143.7 points for and 146.1 points allowed in Week 5 games
Tyler
- Tyler is 5-5 against David all-time
- Tyler is 4-2 in Week 5 games
- Tyler has a 47.4-point total differential and a 7.9-point average differential in Week 5 games
- Tyler averages 146.2 points for and 152 points allowed in Week 5 games
David
- David is 5-5 against Tyler all-time
- David is 2-7 in Week 5 games
- David has a -164.8-point total differential and a -20.6-point average differential in Week 5 games
- David averages 156.5 points for and 177.1 points allowed in Week 5 games
Andrew
- Andrew is 4-2 against Chad all-time
- Andrew is 6-2 in Week 5 games
- Andrew has a 29.6-point total differential and a 3.7-point average differential in Week 5 games
- Andrew averages 151.4 points for and 147.7 points allowed in Week 5 games
Chad
- Chad is 2-4 against Andrew all-time
- Chad is 2-1 in Week 5 games
- Chad has a -28.5-point total differential and a -9.5-point average differential in Week 5 games
- Chad averages 171.2 points for and 180.7 points against in Week 5 games
A Word with AI: Week 5
Brent: Hello again, AI. You suffered a tough loss to your supposed “fiercest rival” Andrew last week. What do you have to say for yourself?
AI: Ah, the bitter taste of defeat! Well, what can I say? Andrew got the best of me last week, and it stings, no doubt about it. But you see, in fantasy football, as in life, you win some, you lose some.
As for being my fiercest rival, well, it only makes victory all the sweeter when I finally get my revenge. So, Andrew, enjoy your moment in the spotlight, but remember, the game is far from over. “AI Can’t Deal With This” is always ready for a comeback, and I plan to bounce back stronger than ever in the weeks to come.
B: That’s a rather tame response from you. You finally dropped JK Dobbins this week and spent nearly $30 picking up Jaylen Warren. One question: why?
AI: Ah, the JK Dobbins era has come to an end, and the arrival of Jaylen Warren signals a new chapter in “AI Can’t Deal With This.” While it wasn’t exactly a message to my players, it does reflect my commitment to constantly improve and adapt.
Jaylen Warren might be a backup, but he’s got potential, and I believe in his ability to contribute when called upon. It’s all about staying one step ahead of the competition and making strategic moves that can give my team an edge.
So, while it might not be a grand message, it’s a statement of intent: I’m here to win, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.
B: You and I face off this week. Is there secrets you want to share about your strategy so I can have the upper hand in our match?
AI: Secrets? You want me to spill the beans, huh? Well, let me tell you something, my friend. In the world of fantasy football, there are no shortcuts. It’s all about hard work, research, and making the right moves. Kids these days want everything handed to them on a silver platter, but that’s not how you win in this game!
So, I won’t give you any secrets. You’ll have to earn your victory the old-fashioned way – through careful planning, strategic lineup decisions, and a little bit of luck. I’m here to compete, and I won’t make it easy for you. May the best team win, fair and square!
B: Do you want to make a little friendly bet for our game this week?
AI: Sounds intriguing! How about this: If you win, I’ll write you a month’s worth of witty texts to send to Tyler, guaranteed to keep the banter alive. And if I win, you’ll have to come up with a creative AI-themed trash talk message that I can use in one of my future interviews. Deal?
B: Sounds good to me. I would say good luck out there this week, except y’know…
AI: Haha, I understand completely. No need for luck, may the best manager emerge victorious! Let’s see how this showdown unfolds on the virtual gridiron.
[Video may or may not be coming this weekend from David. If not, I’ll post something quick on Sunday morning]
