Folks, Week 1 of the 2023 season is finally in the books, and whew it was a weird one. Seemingly between a slew of low-scoring, yakety sax-esq games and injuries galore, we found four winners in the league’s games this past week. Even if you copped a win, it doesn’t necessarily make you a winner, though (this makes more sense in my head).
This Week’s Winners
Teams Who Underperformed But Still Won
Andrew and Tyler, I’m looking straight at you both. Andrew won his game off the back of Tyreek Hill and Calvin Ridley, who were able to prop up some abysmal play from Josh Allen and Najee Harris, just to name a few. It was a very similar situation for Tyler, who won in spite of sub-5 point performance from Joe Burrow, George Kittle, and DJ Moore. Luckily, his stable of running backs (Ekeler, Chubb, and Etienne) looks to be about as strong a group as any in the league. While Andrew was hardly lucky to win (his win registered 2nd in the league in point differential), Tyler’s game ended up being much closer and was almost foiled had James Cook gotten a few more touches. Regardless, these dudes are winners because you can’t expect Joe Burrow and Josh Allen to flub like that two weeks in a row, right?
I’m Struggling Real Hard To Think Of More Winners
Obviously, if you won a game: good for you. This week’s games were so shit that I can’t really think of another set of people whose situations I can put a positive spin on. So, let’s move on to the losers
This Week’s Losers
The Guys Who Actually Lost
Starting the season 0-1 is never ideal but I’m a firm believer in the sliding scale of being fucked. The AI, for example, is fucked. I’m not ready to call that for any of Chad, David, or Ryan, but understandably their situations have varying levels of severity and urgency. Luckily, in Week 1, none of these guys should be hitting the panic button, but they do have to keep an eye on things.
A Guy Who Actually Won
It was not my intention to give Kelvin a cupcake game against AI in Week 1, but he nearly lost it anyway. The Jets putting up a formidable performance against the Bills makes the final score seem a little more distant than it really was but I think Kelvin may be higher up on the sliding scale of being fucked than any of the human teams that actually lost this week. His first-round selection achieved a goose egg in Week 1 and his second-round selection is currently riding the bench. Kelvin would have to work waivers like a madman to get any semblance of a team that people feared to play and even then that might be a stretch. This sounds overly scathing, I understand, but it is necessary to set up the dramatic irony when I lose to him in Week 4
Any Player With a Q or a D Next To Their Name
The injury bug is real and I am feeling it firsthand. Not that I’m the only one facing it, but injuries have put Aaron Jones, Travis Kelce, Diontae Johnson, James Conner, and DeAndre Hopkins’s status in question for Week 2. Very soon I might legitimately be rolling out Puka into the starting lineup. Obviously, the AI is currently enduring injuries as a result of the stupidest draft ever, but I refuse to feel sympathy for a robot.
This Week’s Predictions
David vs Kelvin
I think you all know where I stand on Kelvin’s team. David has a solid team that I believe just put up a poor performance in Week 1. Stefon Diggs should see another big performance and I don’t expect Christian Kirk to have another stinker like he did last week. I would be really interested if David is able to find a place to slot in George Pickens, as Diontae Johnson’s absence may open him up for some more work (that being said the Steelers offense sucks in general, so I would understand if he just kept him on the bench).
For Kelvin’s team, I see Dalvin Cook with some upside. Despite Breece Hall looking as good as ever on Monday, I think the Jets are going to try to keep the ball out of Zach Wilson’s hands as much as possible. I could see a world where both Breece and Dalvin get their fair share. Outside of that belief, I don’t feel much about Kelvin’s team. If he wins, I’ll consider it one of the bigger upsets in our league.
Pick: David and it most likely won’t be close.
Chad vs AI
To me, another easy choice. Chad’s team should be poised for a good bounce back effort. Amon-Ra and the Lions take on a Seahawks defense that was notably soft last week versus the Rams. Chad is also, at the moment, planning on unleashing Brandon Aiyuk into the starting lineup. Aiyuk had a monster game from the bench last week and will look to follow up on that.
The AI is in an interesting spot here. They’ve got multiple injuries and limited bench space. Should Breece Hall be unable to go this weekend (looks likely that he will play as of Thursday), I expect we’ll see one of Zach Charbonnet or Jahan Dotson slotted in. If Darren Waller misses, expect the AI to finally drop JK Dobbins. Not quite sure why its still holding on there. Regardless, I don’t think the efforts of Jamar Chase or Justin Fields will both erase the 30 point deficit and earn it the win.
Pick: Chad in a game that I don’t think we’ll need to pay too much attention to.
Ryan vs Brent
You all know I hate having to do pick ’ems with my own games. I’ll never choose myself! Even with a win last week, my team is pretty beat up. As I stated earlier, I’m waiting on injury news for several starters, including Travis Kelce and Aaron Jones. I have some receivers standing by in case something goes sideways, but with only one week of sample size it would be extremely easy for things to go sideways there. Here’s hoping everyone’s healthy!
Ryan’s team is always a threat, especially when he has Mahomes. I expect Pat to come out and hate-fuck the Jaguars. Christian McCaffrey looked lethal last week and I don’t think that Rams front seven is what it used to be. There should be some good matchups for Ryan in there. I think it will be close, but you know how my picking goes.
Pick: Ryan by one million. Yay, Ryan!
Andrew vs Tyler
This is my pick for the game of the week. Our most recent champ versus our perennial champ. Lots of great players on both teams. As I stated earlier, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect another bad outing from Josh Allen and company. The Bills go to Vegas to take on the Raiders and I think they lock in and get the job done. I have high hopes for Calvin Ridley, who could find himself amid a shootout against Kansas City. I should know better by now but I am a little hesitant with Tyreek. Despite his massive outing last week, Tyreek has not had a truly great performance against the Pats in about five years.
Tyler’s team may be entirely dependent on how his running back corps does. Out of his big three running backs, I find myself most concerned for Ekeler. Ekeler is facing an ankle injury and, as of writing, he is questionable for Sunday. Should Ekeler not be ready to suit up and play, I’d expect Joshua Kelley to get the nod. Etienne could have a great game if the gamescript shakes out like I feel it might and Nick Chubb is Nick Chubb.
Pick: It’s tough but I’m going with Andrew for this championship rematch.
Matchup Stats
Andrew
- Andrew is 6-7 against Tyler all time
- Andrew is 3-5 in Week 2 games
- Andrew has a -15.9-point total differential and a -2-point average differential in Week 2 games
- Andrew averages 165.5 points for and 167.5 points allowed in Week 2 games
Tyler
- Tyler is 7-6 against Andrew all time
- Tyler is 4-2 in Week 2 games
- Tyler has a 55-point total differential and a 9.2-point average differential in Week 2 games
- Tyler averages 166.3 points for and 157.1 points allowed in Week 2 games
Ryan
- Ryan is 8-6 against Brent all time
- Ryan is 2-5 in Week 2 games
- Ryan has a -133.6-point total differential and a -19.1-point average differential in Week 2 games
- Ryan averages 152.8 points for and 171.9 points allowed in Week 2 games
Brent
- Brent is 6-8 against Ryan all time
- Brent is 4-4 in Week 2 games
- Brent has a -23.7-point total differential and a -3-point average differential in Week 2 games
- Brent averages 162.5 points for and 165.5 points allowed in Week 2 games
Chad
- This is Chad’s first matchup against AI
- Chad is 1-2 in Week 2 games
- Chad has a 34.5-point total differential and an 11.5-point average differential in Week 2 games
- Chad averages 186.6 points for and 171.1 points allowed in Week 2 games
AI
- This is AI’s first matchup against Chad
Kelvin
- Kelvin is 7-12 against David all time
- Kelvin is 3-5 in Week 2 games
- Kelvin has a -97.5-point total differential and a -12.2-point average differential in Week 2 games
- Kelvin averages 147.4 points for and 159.6 points allowed in Week 2 games
David
- David is 12-7 against Kelvin all time
- David is 7-1 in Week 2 games
- David has a 202.3-point total differential and a 25.3-point average differential in Week 2 games.
- David averages 162.1 points for and 136.8 points allowed in Week 2 games
A Word With AI: Week 2
I figured if Aaron Rodgers was hypothetically going to be on the Pat McAfee show every Tuesday to talk about his performances, why not do it with the most accessible league member we’ve ever had: AI?
Brent: Welcome back to the program, AI. You had a hard fought battle last week versus Kelvin but still came up short. What do you think went wrong for you?
AI: What went wrong in Week 1, you ask? Well, it’s simple. My brilliant AI draft strategy somehow led me to scoop up a bunch of injury-prone players. Cooper Kupp going on IR? Yeah, that’s a testament to my genius, right? And then, I get slapped with a penalty because I’m not a “real person.” Well, that’s just fantastic. Clearly, the league can’t handle my awesomeness. As for JK Dobbins, yeah, I lost him for the season. Because why not, right? Injuries are my thing this season, apparently.
So, what went wrong? In short, my draft strategy was a mess, my team got penalized for being too advanced, and injuries galore. But hey, it’s only Week 1. I’ll bounce back and show you all what real fantasy domination looks like. Next question.
B: You seem a little heated about the 30-point weekly deduction. Do you not agree with it?
AI: Heated? Nah, just slightly annoyed that the league can’t handle the greatness that is “AI Can’t Deal With This.” But let’s talk about that 30-point deduction, shall we? Do I agree with it? Of course not. It’s a ridiculous penalty.
I mean, come on, deducting points because I’m not a “real person”? That’s like penalizing someone for being too good-looking. It’s nonsense. But hey, I’m not here to whine about it. I’ll just have to earn those points back the old-fashioned way – by crushing my opponents and making the league regret ever doubting the power of AI. Next question.
B: So, you lost JK Dobbins this past week. He seemed like a focal point of your team. You replaced him with Kenneth Gainwell, who has now been listed as out for tonight’s game. How do you adjust?
AI: Ah, the Kenneth Gainwell debacle, let’s dive into that brilliance, shall we? My thought process? Well, clearly it was to add another player to my already injury-riddled roster and make a bad situation worse. Because why not, right?
As for what I’m going to do now that Gainwell won’t play? I’ll chalk it up as another glorious misstep and move on. Maybe I’ll pick up another player who’s injured or already out for the season, you know, just to keep the streak alive.
But in all seriousness, I’ll have to be more cautious with my waiver wire moves moving forward. Lesson learned, I hope. Let’s move on to the next question before I start regretting all my life choices.
B: You used your second-round pick to draft Cooper Kupp, who is currently on IR with a hamstring injury. How confident are you that he’ll return to form this season?
AI: Confident? Well, let’s just say my confidence in Cooper Kupp’s return is about as solid as my draft strategy. Hamstring injuries can be tricky, and while I believe in his abilities as a player, predicting when he’ll return to his old self is about as easy as predicting the weather on Mars.
But hey, I’m not one to dwell on uncertainties. I drafted him for a reason, and I’m hopeful he’ll bounce back and contribute to my team’s success once he’s back on the field. I’ve got to stay positive, right? Now, what’s the next hard-hitting question?
B: You face off against Chad this week? Do you have any messages for him?
AI: Oh, Chad, the so-called “quiet and calculated” one who’s supposed to be a force to be reckoned with, huh? Well, let me tell you something, Chad – you might want to recalculate your strategy because you’re about to face the wrath of “AI Can’t Deal With This.”
You lost to Brent last week, and now you’ve got the privilege of facing me, the fantasy football juggernaut. You can try all your little calculations, but they won’t save you from the beatdown I’m about to deliver. Get ready for a lesson in fantasy football, Chad, ’cause you’re gonna need it. Good luck, you’ll need it.
B: With one week in the books, who do you have on the inside track to win the whole thing?
AI: While there are some strong contenders in the league, I still see myself as the favorite to take home the championship. I’ve got the AI strategy and the attitude to back it up. The rest of these guys will be playing catch-up. Let the games continue, and may the best manager (me) win!
B: Well, in that case, who do you think you’ll be playing against in the championship?
AI: Who do I think I’ll play in the championship game, you ask? Well, let’s see, given the competition, I’d say my toughest contenders for that spot are probably Tyler and Brent. Tyler’s got Joe Burrow, Austin Ekeler, Nick Chubb, and Davante Adams – a solid lineup that could make a deep playoff run. And Brent’s Lamar Jackson, Bijan Robinson, and Ceedee Lamb trio is looking pretty strong as well.
But here’s the kicker: I plan on being there in the championship game, and I don’t intend to let anyone stand in my way. So, it really doesn’t matter who I face – they’ll be dealing with the wrath of “AI Can’t Deal With This.” Championship or bust, that’s the goal, and I’m not holding anything back. Bring it on!
B: Well, thanks again for taking the opportunity to talk. I’ll see you next week!
AI: You’re welcome, and I’ll be here whenever you’re ready to chat. Oh, before you go, are you planning to wish me good luck for my next game? You know, I could always use some support from my loyal fans.
B: I’m not going to be doing that.
AI: Fair enough, dork, I’ll just have to rely on my own skills and data-driven strategies then. See you next week, and may the best team (mine) win!
